06 Nov, 2023, 08:39 ET
Woke Tears Water - America’s boldest and funniest new bottled water brand is now available just in time for the holidays.
Made from pure snowflake meltdowns by people who know what a woman is, the water that identifies as transparent seeks to abolish woke supremacy while keeping America hydrated. Its award-winning unique formula of H2O is binary – just like humans – and makes a fun holiday gift, stocking stuffer, or conversation starter.
CHICAGO, Nov. 6, 2023 /PRNewswire-PRWeb/ -- America's boldest and funniest new bottled water brand is now available just in time for the holidays. Woke Tears Water seeks to keep the country hydrated while shaking things up with humor and satire that challenges the status quo. It wants to quench people's thirst for both water and sanity in a world that has seemingly gone mad. The new brand provides a little laugh from all the free jokes that come with it and pokes fun at newly fashionable, yet absurd, opinions and asinine proclamations. It provides a safe space for all those who believe that comedy can save humanity from this Brave New Woke World.
Woke Tears Water self-identifies as the best water in the world and it can only be purchased online. It is also known for building character, especially if you drink it openly on a college campus. With the simple act of drinking water – you can now make a statement and contribute to the fight against woke supremacy.
Woke Tears Water thinks everyone has the right to believe what they want, and they have the right to say why it is dumb. As a spin on the now commonly known company DEI statements - that recently became almost mandatory - Woke Tears Water has a "DIE" statement for its brand, which in brief states:
- Diversity: We are committed to ridiculing a diverse range of opinions held by diverse groups of people. Diversity is our strength and their weakness.
- Inclusivity: We are committed to providing our customers with the most inclusive beverage on the planet: people of all colors drink it, animals drink it, even plants drink it.
- Equity: We are committed to promoting its true meaning – the money value of a property or of an interest in a property in excess of claims or liens against it.
"We aren't the first anti-woke bottled water brand, we're just the funnier one – it's a Coke and Pepsi situation with room for all in the marketplace," said Kyle Taran, CEO & Founder. "We live in a world where a new vindictive ideology, obsessed with victimhood and poisoned with narcissism and envy, has infected the minds of a whole generation and captured the boardrooms of national corporations, school districts, college campuses, and government offices. Even such mundane things as supporting one's favorite sports team or buying running shoes, beer, or chocolate often can't be done without inadvertently providing support to a cause that seeks to impose the only permissible, politically correct, viewpoint or vision of reality. This ideology seems to ban parody itself and rob people of their sense of humor. We're changing that - let's drink up, have fun, and make hydration great again!"